This is #11 of 40 Things I’ve Learned In 40 Years. To see a list of these short daily writings, click here.
Today in the United States we celebrate Thanksgiving, a holiday for expressing gratitude. All too often (and admittedly I feel old when I say this) simple expressions of thanks and other courtesies are absent from our interactions. . .
Say please and thank you.
Extend a firm (but not bone crushing) handshake with a smile and good eye contact when meeting someone.
Put a napkin on your lap.
Tip your waiters, bartenders, taxi drivers, and other service professionals.
Send handwritten thank you notes.
And gentlemen, open the car door for the ladies. This is not a condescending assault on feminist sensibilities – it’s simply good etiquette.
These subtle gestures, too often neglected as unimportant, are demonstrations of respect. And as I used to teach my karate kids, respect is an acknowledgment that something is important and has value. When thought of in this light, every act of courtesy is in some way an expression of gratitude. Manners matter.
Do you think manners still matter? What about “outdated” courtesies such as sending handwritten notes or men opening doors for women? Do you think there has been a decline in gestures of courtesy? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
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I understand your point, Vic, and sometimes I’m shocked at the way people behave — or misbehave, as the case may be. I live in Manhattan (as you know) and New Yorkers have an especially bad reputation for being rough around the edges. I am ALWAYS offended when young or vital middle-aged men on the subway don’t offer their seats to pregnant women or the elderly, and sometimes have to bite back a wry, “Your mother must be SO proud of you.” (There’s a good chance they learned their behavior at home, of course.) Whether or not they are in uniform, I can often tell which men have military training by their bearing and their deference to others, which — for me — always underscores why we call it military SERVICE. Etiquette has some pretty complicated rules — what fork to use with which course, what to wear, what time to arrive, what gifts to bring to which occasion — and most of these things aren’t really important. But good manners ARE important, and are simply a matter of following the Golden Rule and being considerate of others. (I do go on and on, don’t I?! But you hit a nerve here! Good manners matter!)
I like your distinction between etiquette and manners. Very true that some “customs” don’t necessarily express respect, but good manners always do.
As I have gotten older, I have regularly adopted some of the “old-fashioned” manners like opening doors for women (and men), saying please and thank you, etc. I think it surprises some people when it happens, in a good way! We are trying to raise our boys with this plain old respect for others. Vic, given your background, I know you appreciate that our eldest son’s martial arts studio emphasizes a lot of manners and respect.
Yes, martial arts classes can be a good source for kids to learn manners. Most schools that have a strong kids curriculum make character development the core of their program. And I think that is a good thing. Statistically it is a rare occasion (hopefully never) that physical fighting skills will be used. But manners and courtesy can be used daily.
I think it comes down to courtesy rather than ettiquette. If you’re genuinely trying to show respect, then the other person should appreciate your intent and it will help things all around.
For instance, I think the man opening the car door is an outdated bit of etiquette (It probably had more to do with unwieldy skirts than assumptions of feminine infirmity). Still, if a man does open a door for me, I smile and thank him, because his intent was to show polite respect, even if his execution leaves me “blah.”